When childhood anxiety looks like something else entirely…..

(Big Clue – it always looks like something else entirely).

As a Play Therapist, children are referred to me for a wide variety of issues. They may be demonstrating behaviour challenges such as aggression, or anger. Teachers or parents may have noticed that minor set-backs or changes of routine lead to major emotional meltdowns. Children may be unable to complete tests or exams, even when we know they know the answers. They may be controlling with their peers and find it difficult to make lasting and deep friendships. They may be disruptive in class and engage in ‘attention seeking’ behaviour.

In all of these cases I usually suspect some underlying issues with anxiety. My hypothesis is often greeted with some incredulity.

“No – I don’t think it’s anxiety – she’s so confident”.

“No – I don’t think it’s anxiety – he can do the work, he’s just choosing not to”.

“No – I don’t think it’s anxiety – she just needs to learn to that everything isn’t going to go her way all of the time…”

“No – I don’t think it’s anxiety – he hasn’t got anything to be anxious about.”

“No – I don’t think it’s anxiety – she just needs to learn to obey the rules”.

“No – I don’t think it’s anxiety – he’s just a drama queen who wants all of the attention”.

We are often lead to believe that anxiety will manifest as an outward nervousness or clinginess, along with physical symptoms such as shakiness, a dry mouth, racing heart etc.

But anxiety is a master imposter.

Imagine a car alarm that has gone a bit wrong. When functioning correctly, the alarm will go off if a burglar tries to steal it. This is great! That is what the alarm is there for. But a malfunctioning alarm may go off if someone brushes against the car, or a gust of wind catches it.

Children living with anxiety are living with a faulty car alarm in their brain. And it is highly unpleasant for them. Their brain is on high alert for danger all of the time, and may go OFF with the slightest provocation. When you live with anxiety, the slightest thing can trigger you into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

This is why anxious children may appear controlling. When things are predictable, they can cope. Any changes and they will be triggered into a fight, flight or freeze response.

This is why anxious children may appear to zone out or underperform in stressful situations such as exams – their brains and bodies are in freeze mode. They literally cannot think straight.

This is why anxious children may lash out and behave aggressively in the moment, and feel powerless to stop it. Their brains and bodies are in fight mode.

This is why anxious children may seek connection with adults in ways that are seen as attention seeking. They are trying to reduce their anxiety by checking in with a regulated adult.

This is why anxious children may engage in low level disruption in class, or be unable to sit still, they are in flight mode and they simply cannot stop the energy flowing through their body.

So how can we help reduce anxiety in children?

The key thing is to understand that they are not in control of their behaviour at that moment. Co-regulation is key. Children need us to help them regulate down from the anxious state.

Punishing a child for behaviour rooted in anxiety is counter-productive. They will already feel pretty rotten. Far better when their anxious brain has calmed down, to take some time to discuss with them what happened, how they felt and what might help prevent such incidents in the future. If someone else has been hurt by their behaviour, have an honest conversation without guilt or shame, about how the other person might feel, and what the child might do to show them that they are sorry.

Talking to them about how their brains and bodies work is also a great help. There are some excellent story books that explain anxiety. I heartily recommend Hey Warrior by Karen Young for primary age, but there are lots of others depending on the age of the child.

But most of all, anxious children need to know that we are on their side and that we understand what is going on for them. They need to know that we will help them find strategies to reduce their anxiety. They need to know that anxiety can be tamed.