What on earth is attachment anyway…..
What is Attachment?
Last night I went to the theatre and met a friend who I haven’t seen for a while. She has been following my Facebook posts about the attachment parenting courses that I run, and she asked
“So – tell me simply Jacqui – what is attachment?”
This floored me. I’ve immersed myself for so long in the intricate details of attachment theory, I couldn’t answer this simple question. Call myself an attachment professional? PAH!!
So, in this blog I have set myself the challenge of not wittering on, and explaining simply – What is a secure attachment? Why is it important? And how do we DO it?
Here goes!
Human beings are born vulnerable. They are completely dependent upon a care-giving adult to meet their survival needs, for food, for shelter, for protection warmth and interaction. Most brain development takes place after birth, and at this early stage the areas of the brain most highly developed are those that are triggered by physical discomfort, fear and separation. These are located in the amygdala, and any perceived threat will cause a release of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. The baby is completely unable to regulate these feelings for themselves, but an attuned adult who is emotionally responsive will notice that the baby is in distress, and will act accordingly, until calm is restored. In addition to meeting the baby’s physical needs , attuned caregiving also stimulates the release of hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine. These lead to feelings of connection and happiness and they also act as ‘brain fertiliser’ stimulating rapid connections between brain cells. Attuned caregiving builds brains!
The thousands of tiny little actions that we do every day, rocking, talking, cuddling, singing, feeding, changing and nurturing build the pathways in the brain that support the growing child’s understanding that their needs will be met and the world is safe.
Children will have some form of attachment with their main care-giver and will seek proximity to them, that is, behave in ways that will keep them close by. If care giving is attuned, the child will develop a ‘secure’ attachment style. They will usually begin with forming a ‘primary’ attachment to just one person, and if this is a positive experience for them, they will begin to form strong attachments with others too. This can be quite frustrating for one parent – who can feel a little bit rejected by a child who seems to have developed a preference for the other parent. Stick with it you secondary attachment figures – you are vitally important, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet! If this first experience of attachment is not positive, then the child may develop disorganised attachment styles. I’m going to resist the temptation to talk about these here as I have promised to be brief, but trust me there is a lot to talk about!
As the child develops the physical capacity to explore the world – off they crawl, toddle, walk, climb, run (and DRIVE!) – safe in the knowledge that if it goes a bit wrong – for example if they fall over and hurt themselves – they can actively seek out their attachment figure to help them co-regulate their stress response.
And this is critical. I THINK I WILL USE BOLD FOR EMPHASIS! This is sometimes misinterpreted as a child being ‘clingy’ or ‘attention seeking’, or ‘manipulative’, or a bit of a WUSS. Your child is none of these things. They are simply seeking proximity to an attuned person to make them feel better while they are learning to regulate their emotions for themselves. This explains why children may seem to need more physical contact when things change at home, for example with the arrival of a new baby. Once regulated, they can toddle off and try again. Thus, far from making children dependent, attuned caregiving helps children to become more independent and resilient in the long run.
As they explore further and wider, children may develop ways to bridge the gap between their caregiver and situations which might seem scary to them. They move from seeking physical proximity to their care giver through sight and touch, to being able to ‘keep them in mind’. They may pass through a transition phase where they use a physical object to remind them of their feelings of security. They may take a ‘blanky’ from home into nursery or school. This is amazingly positive. They have found a practical way to help calm their amygdala which may otherwise be triggered by the separation from the caregiver. Games such as ‘hide and seek’ reinforce this skill. A friend of mine told me of her teenage son who during a period when he was being bullied at school would unconsciously ‘sniff her hair’ each morning before leaving. Brain development continues until the mid 20’s and so finding a sensory way to stimulate a bit of oxytocin before undertaking something stressful is perfectly normal at this age. She was his touchstone and this ritual enabled him to show resilience during a very scary time.
When our attachments are positive, they continue throughout our lives and we are able to form positive healthy relationships with others in our work and personal lives. Children with secure attachments are known to have the best outcomes in life educationally, economically, physically and in terms of their mental health. This might make us feel under intense pressure to get it right all of the time for our kids. But don’t worry, research shows us that for the large part, we only need to be ‘good enough’ most of the time and not absolutely perfect all of the time. Cue much relief from this Mama – I can tell you!
So What does ‘Good Enough’ attachment parenting look like?
The term ‘Attachment Parenting’ has been hijacked a little by a movement that promotes practices such as skin to skin contact, breastfeeding, baby wearing and co-sleeping. All of these are lovely practices and each will support the development of an attachment bond. But you could do none of these things and still raise a child with a fantastically secure attachment relationship.
How?
The key mechanism at the heart of any strong attachment is deceptively simple. Something called ‘reflective functioning’. Researchers have identified a key skill in parents whose children showed secure attachment styles. These parents acknowledged and accepted the infant/child/teenager as a separate person with their own mind. These parents could focus on how the world looked from their child’s point of view, and ‘reflect’ this back to the child, responding to each individual situation in ways that show the children that they are seen and understood. These parents are ‘mind-minded’. This sounds like empathy but goes a little bit further. Using the example given earlier of a child toddling off, falling over and then running back to their care-giver for some comfort, a good enough parent is aware of their own state of regulation, sorts this out first, and then responds to the child in a way that lets them know that they are understood. Their own regulated response serves to regulate the child.
Examples of dysregulating responses might be:
Over the top – “OH MY GOD!!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!! THERE’s BLOOD!!! BLOOOOOOOOD!!!!! WE’LL NEVER COME TO THIS PARK AGAIN!”
Dismissive – “You’ll be fine”
Abusive – “I’ll give you something to cry about you little wuss”.
Resentful – “For Pete’s sake leave me alone for 5 minutes would you?”
Restrictive – “Sit here with me now, this park is too big for you, I’ll keep you safe”.
The good enough parent understands that the fall is probably nothing to worry about medically – but at the same time understands that their child is really upset about it. (A toddler may show the same level of distress about their peas touching the carrots on their plate!). The good enough parent lets the child know that they see and understand the emotion behind the behaviour.
“Oww…. That looks like it hurt”
or
“Oh – you got a fright, you didn’t’ expect that to happen!”
These provide comfort at a level that is appropriate for that child in that moment. It might be a rub better, a little kiss, or a snuggle. Or as is very common, the child might feel better and stop crying the minute you say this to them! These parents FOLLOW THE CHILD’s LEAD. Sometimes they get it wrong. And that’s okay.
The Circle of Security model tells us that good enough parents are both a secure base from which children will set off and explore, and then a safe pair of hands when things go a bit wonky for them. Out they go and back they come. Out and back. Out and back. Each time a little further and a little longer until they are fully functioning adults able to regulate themselves. At every point in this cycle, children need us to delight in their exploration, and seek to understand them when they feel the need to check in.
It is a bitter-sweet moment when you realise that your children only need to check in when their laundry needs doing!
So, to summarise how to build a strong attachment with your child:
Sort your own emotions out first. Check in with yourself. How regulated are you right now about what is happening?
Identify what emotion your child’s behaviour may be related to. Fear? Anger? Jealousy? Anxiety? Happiness? Joy? Overexcitement? Understand that your child’s emotions may be very different from your own.
Reflect this back to them so that they know you ‘get it’. Show them with words, movement, actions, facial expressions or positive touch.
If you get it wrong – that’s okay. There will be lots of opportunities to get it right again. You have a lifetime together, and we only need to get it right a bit more often than we get it wrong. Keep trying.
Repeat.
There is so much more to say on attachment – but I promised this blog would be brief. However, if you are interested in finding out more, I would recommend the following reading:
What Every Parent Needs to know by Margot Sutherland.
Why love Matters: how affection shapes a baby’s brain by Sue Gerhardt
How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Reflective Functioning and Play: Debi Maskell Graham
Attachment Across the Life Cycle by Murray Parkes, Stevenson-Hinde and Marris.
Lots of love
Jacqui