The magical power of empathy…

I recently attended training in the Heart to Heart ‘attachment’ approach, run by the amazing Debi Maskell-Graham.

At the heart of any healthy relationship is a mechanism called ‘reflective functioning’. This is quite simply the ability of one person to communicate to another person that they are empathising with them; that they see them, that they are trying to understand them, that they are trying to see the world from their point of view.

It is such a subtle thing but it can make a big difference to how children and adults can regulate their emotions and tune into each other.

I’d like to share an example where reflective functioning has worked like actual magic to stop a toddler tantrum in its tracks.

I was tidying up the remains of a toddler crafting class that I regularly run at my local library. I noticed from the corner of my eye that a Grandma was getting increasingly frustrated as she tried to get little Libby  – aged 20 months – into her buggy. Libby did not want to go into her buggy and was letting Grandma know by screaming at the top of her lungs, and arching her back in a manner worthy of an Olympic gymnast.

Grandma was alternating between pleading  – “please Libby, we have to go or we’ll be late”; demanding  – “Libby! In the buggy now!” and bribes “if you go in your buggy, I’ll buy you some sweets on the way home”.

Libby continued to scream her refusal.

Grandma and Libby were clearly both becoming increasingly exhausted from this battle. I wandered over and just sat nearby.

Armed with the new knowledge from my training, I thought I would try a little bit of reflective functioning – first with Grandma. I knew that unless Grandma felt calm and grounded, then Libby’s frustration would get worse. We are all receptive to the moods of people around us, and children more so than adults.

“I can see that it’s really hard for you when Libby isn’t doing what you need her to do”.

We had a little chat about this. Grandma explained that she couldn’t let Libby walk because it wasn’t safe by the road and she couldn’t run after her. She was at the end of her tether as this was a battle they had every day. Libby just wouldn’t go in the buggy.

“That is really difficult. I can see you are both frazzled”.

An important part of reflective functioning is to notice and acknowledge the ‘feeling’ that someone is experiencing. I didn’t try and offer a solution. I just wanted Grandma to know that I understood what a tricky situation this is for her, and to give her a chance to talk about it.

I turned to Libby and said calmly.

“I can see that you don’t like being put in your buggy”.

She sniffled a bit, but looked at me.

“It’s time to go home in the buggy, but you don’t want to go in the buggy. I can see that”

She looked at me intently.

“You can’t walk now because it’s not safe.  But when you get home, you can walk”.

As if by magic – Libby turned around and crawled into the pram herself. Grandma went to help her, and I just managed to stop her by saying;

“I can see that Libby can get into her buggy all by herself!”

Just like Grandma, having her feelings and needs taken seriously helped Libby to regulate her emotions.  I had let her know that I understood how frustrated she was, explained in simple language the reason for the boundary (safety) and let her know when she would be able to walk.  She was able to show me that if she was going to go in the pram, she wanted to do it ‘herself’.

To be honest – this sounds like such a perfect ending you would be forgiven for thinking I have made this scenario up.  But I really haven’t!  And the more I use this technique with children and adults alike, the more I am amazed at how effective it is.

But then, of course it is! We all need to feel that someone ‘gets us’, that they understand how we are feeling, and that they accept our negative emotions as well as our positive ones. It makes us feel safe. It lets us know that our needs will be met.

So, give it a go in your own life, with your children, work colleagues, friends and relatives.  Here are a few gentle tips to ‘reflect like a pro!’

1          Say what you see – For example, “I see that you look upset/tired/angry/happy” is gentle way to approach someone else’s feelings.

2          Accept the emotions – Don’t try and take them away or change them. If someone is sad, don’t try and cheer them up in that moment.  Just acknowledge that right now that they are feeling sad.

3          Try not to offer advice (just yet) – This can make the other person feel defensive.  Avoid any phrase that begins “If I were you….” “At least….” or  “you need to”. Reflective functioning is about you letting the other person know that their feelings are important to you.

I’ll definitely be blogging more about this, but it in the meantime, Good luck! Let me know how it has worked for you.