Time outs and Naughty Steps
Time Out and Naughty Steps
Today I met a lovely Grandma who was curious to know how to prevent and stop a particular tricky behaviour that her 2 year old Grandson was demonstrating.
We talked through lots of strategies and at the end, she asked me a really interesting question – “Do punishments such as Time Out and Naughty Steps ever work?”
These consequences have been championed by many childcare ‘experts’ such as the ‘supernanny’ Jo Frost, as an effective and painless means to ‘teach’ children that a certain behaviour is unacceptable and not to be repeated. As an alternative to smacking – I guess that it is a bit kinder. But it isn’t kind, and it doesn’t work because it is based on a complete misunderstanding of how children learn.
I often feel like a lone hippy shouting into a void on this one. Parents ask me – “If there isn’t an unpleasant consequence for their actions, how will children ever learn what they are supposed to do?”
In subjecting our children to unpleasant experiences they aren’t learning to behave, they are learning to avoid an unpleasant stimulus. This either leads to children who are overly compliant because they don’t wish to upset you, or children who are so desensitised to the experience that they take themselves off to the naughty step and stare you down while they do so (and then come and repeat the behaviour). Neither child has learned a way to stop the behaviour that got them into trouble in the first place.
Let’s take biting as an example.
How will children learn that it’s not okay to bite if we don’t teach them? Well, firstly, biting is a very normal stage in sensory development – lots of children bite. Young children are too young to realise that biting someone else hurts that person. After all, if it feels good to them, how on earth would they know that it’s painful for the other person? That involves an understanding of theory of mind – ie. that other people’s thoughts and feelings are very different from our own.
Does putting them in a time out reduce the need for sensory stimulus? NO!!
Does putting them in a time out teach them that it’s painful for the other person? NO!!
Does putting them in a time out teach them to find other ways to fulfil that sensory need? NO!!
Might they stop the biting? – Maybe.
Will they be really sad about being punished by people they love for something that they didn’t realise was wrong? YES!!
So what can we do instead?
Firstly, it’s not okay to bite. Gentle parenting does not mean that children have no behaviour boundaries expected of them. Gentle parenting means that boundaries are communicated and enforced in gentle ways that take the child’s perspective and developmental needs into account.
Reflect: I see that you really wanted to bite something…
Communicate why that can’t happen– biting hurts – it’s not okay (OR OWWWWWW!! If its you that’ has been bitten)
Redirect – let them know what to do instead– here – chew on this!
Long term– see if you can see patterns when the behaviour is most likely – and head it off at the pass.
Repeat, repeat, repeat…..until they are beginning to redirect themselves. Then, when they get it right – let them know that you have noticed and that you appreciate that they got it right.
This example is for a very young child – but the principles work well with older children too. Punishments for misdemeanours are never as effective as honest and open conversations about what went wrong, explaining why the behaviour is not okay, exploring what they could do to make it right, and thinking about ways to act differently in the future.
Give it a go xxx
Lots of love
Jacqui