We need to talk about our feelings (but that's only half of the story)

Talking about our feelings is acknowledged as a great way to support positive mental health. We are urged to let people know when things aren’t feeling right – If we are feeling low, or anxious, or depressed, or even suicidal.

Talking to a trusted person can help us to gain perspective on our problems and it can release tension that we have been holding inside. Talking also provides an important safeguard; once the other person knows we aren’t well, they can check in on us, and help us to access professional help. Simply knowing that we have someone to talk to can make an enormous difference to our emotional health and wellbeing.

So yes, talking is good.

BUT, is enough emphasis placed on how to listen? And in particular – do we listen to children when they tell us (or show us) how they are feeling. In my role as a Play Therapist and Family Attachment Practitioner, I often observe how adults respond to children’s ‘big’ feelings.

Common responses include:

Minimising: Comments such as “It’s not so bad” or “that’s nothing!”

Lead children to feel that their problems or worries are insignificant.

Offering practical solutions “If someone has upset you – just don’t play with them again”

This might be sensible but it doesn’t help the child to work their way through the feelings of pain and rejection.

Silencing: “Stop crying” or “turn that frown upside down”

Lead children to keep their worries inside.

Shaming: “What are you crying about that for?” or “You’re so sensitive” “Stop being such a drama queen”.

Lead children to feel that they should be ashamed of their big feelings.

Ignoring: “I’m not going to listen to you until you stop crying” or “You are only saying that for attention”.

This leads children to suppress their distress and lets them know that at their time of greatest need, they won’t be comforted.

Referencing our own pain: “How do you think that makes ME feel?”

This leads children to feel that they are responsible for adult happiness (or unhappiness).

These observations aren’t designed to make anyone feel guilty. I am sure we have all said some of these things once in a while, and this may be how we were parented ourselves. But when repeated frequently over time, children begin to learn that their feelings cannot be shared safely.

It’s no wonder then, that as adults, many of us find it difficult to share our difficult feelings with others or to listen with empathy when others share their pain with us.

So what CAN we do to let our children know that they can express their emotions safely.

Sharing a listening, caring ear is something that we can all do for our children, and when they feel cared about, and understood, they also feel loved and accepted.

In I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) (2008), Brene Brown references the attributes of empathy:

To be able to see the world as others see it—This requires putting your own “stuff” aside to see the situation through your child’s eyes. Yes the ice cream falling onto the floor isn’t ACTUALLY the end of the world, but to the child in that moment – they are distressed about it.

To understand another person’s feelings—We have to be in touch with our own feelings in order to understand someone else’s. Again, this requires putting your own “stuff” aside to focus on your child’s “stuff”.

To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings to them. Let them know that you can see the world from their point of view – that you understand. Rather than saying, “At least you…” or “It could be worse…” try, “I can see how sad (or angry) you are….tell me more about that.”

Empathy is a skill that strengthens with practice so I would encourage you to practice giving and receiving often, with your children and also with other adults. By receiving empathy, not only do we understand how good it feels to be heard and accepted, we also come to better understand the strength and courage it takes to be vulnerable and share that need for empathy in the first place.

The very best way to encourage our children to talk about their feelings, is to listen when they do.

Lots of love

Jacqui xx