What’s wrong with rewards?

What is Wrong with Rewards?

I often get asked this. Surely it is a good thing to reward a child with a privilege or reward if they do something good.

They often start off well and children seem motivated, but the problem is that rewards tend to back-fire relatively quickly.

The problem comes when our children realize (consciously or unconsciously) that we are using the reward to get them to do things that they don’t want to do, in other words, we are manipulating them.

As soon as that feeling creeps in the motivation is lost because the need for trust, respect and autonomy is very strong!

The other important thing about rewards is they speak to an external source of motivation. For example, asking children to clean because they are going to get something, and not because they have learned to value cleanliness, or the other people who must live in the house.

It will be more effective in the long term to instil the feelings and attitudes that give rise to cooperation. Although this may take longer, it is worth it in the long run, because trying to force a habit pattern from the outside in will eventually create resistance and resentment.

The third thing is that rewards diminish the connection and respect between parents and children in a very similar way that punishments do. It’s hard to see that at first.

The reason rewards damage the connection between parent and child is that it’s based on conditional love and acceptance. We are in essence sending our children the message that they are more worthy of our love and acceptance when they do things that we want them to do, and less worthy of it when they don’t.

When our kids don’t do what we want them to and we deny them the reward, it’s emotionally exactly the same as taking away a privilege or sending them to their room.

The longer and deeper process of effective communication, collaboration, cooperation and connection will always more effective than an immediate reward. It DOES require a LOT more patience and self-regulation though but ultimately will pay dividends. Our children will learn that they are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance. This sense of unshakable self-esteem is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children as we send them out into the world