The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

How we communicate within our special relationships really matters, and how we communicate when times are hard is more important than when everything is rosy.  It is in these moments, where there are tensions, arguments and disagreements that we need to lean in to ask ourselves “did I escalate that?”

 In over 40 years of study into relationships and communication, Dr. John and Dr Julie Gottman have found that the key to good relationships is how individuals navigate conflict – ie. how they talk to each other when they don’t  agree.  These findings are hugely significant to how we parent our children.

It's easy to parent when our children are being helpful, polite, happy and engaging. That’s the easy bit.  But if we want a good relationship with our child, we need to be curious about what is happening when they are disagreeing with us, when they are not doing as they were asked, or when they are grumpy, tired, rude etc.

It is in the moments when we DON’T agree with our children that we can have the greatest positive impact on our relationship with them, and help them to navigate tension and conflict in their relationships with others.

The Gottmans identified four communication styles that will amplify and escalate disagreements and they termed these the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Horseman One: Criticism

Criticism is when a parent attributes a negative personality characteristic to their child.

For example “you’re room is so untidy – you are so lazy!” or “you’ve forgotten your homework – what’s wrong with you?” or “You are so mean, why can’t you just be nice like your sister?..”

Children take in all this criticism as a definition of who they are, which can lead to low self-esteem. It can also become their inner self-talk which leads to poor mental health AND a likelihood that the thing you want to get done won’t get done.

After all, if they believe that being lazy and rude are their personality traits then they will feel powerless to change.

Horseman Two: Defensiveness

This feeling can best be described as

“It’s not me it’s you!’

Do you ever hear yourself say “It’s your fault I’m shouting – if you would just do as you are told I wouldn’t need to shout!”

(Full disclosure – that’s definitely me…)

This is an understandable response, and often something we carry from our own childhoods, especially if we were criticised (see horseman one!) We try and pin our behaviour on someone or something else to avoid feeling blame or shame.  The trouble is when you have two people who are both defensive, nothing can change. No one has any room to move.  And it is a sure-fire way of escalating a disagreement – after all, no-one likes to be blamed.

But the truth is, we need to take responsibility for our half of the interaction and our feelings.

In the above example, it’s not my kids fault I’m shouting. I’m shouting because I am frustrated and angry (and probably knackered too).  Quite simply, I need to take responsibility for my emotions and my responses to their behaviour.  

Horseman Three: Contempt

This is a statement made to another person from a place of superiority – to  put the other person down.  We often do this with children just because they are children.  We simply don’t take their opinions, views or responses seriously.

Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, mockery and name-calling. Even nick names, while often meant endearingly, can also be a form of contempt.  

Adults may find they communicate with contempt when children are experiencing difficulties or dysregulation and we often don’t recognise that this is what we are doing.  For example, when young children are experiencing overwhelm (tantrums) adults will dismiss what the child is overwhelmed about as silly.  When a child is distressed about relationships at school, we may call them a ‘drama-queen’.

There’s a video on social media entitled “How to stop a tantrum” where a distressed child has cream put in her mouth to stop her crying.  This is an example of pure contempt.  The child’s communication is dismissed, she is silenced and then recorded and laughed at.  

When I pointed this out on social media – guess how I was responded to? You guessed it! With pure contempt.

In their research, the Gottman’s found that contempt is highly toxic in adult relationships and is the biggest single predictor of dissatisfaction and relationship breakdown.  So we need to be very mindful in our relationships with children to ensure that we are treating them with respect and not with contempt.  

Horseman Four: Stonewalling..

This is a reaction where the listener withdraws from the interaction and is silent. Giving someone the ‘silent treatment’, ‘time outs’ ‘naughty steps’ and ‘ignoring’ are all forms of stonewalling.

For a child due to their need for the presence of an attachment figure to regulate, the withdrawal of this interaction is perceived as a threat.  Children will then respond with behaviour that seeks to re-establish connection. This might be through shouting, fighting, running away, pleading and negotiating, saying they are sorry but not really meaning it, or ultimately just withdrawing from the relationship, because it cannot be relied on.

So in conclusion, when there are disagreements, dysregulation or rising tempers in the home check whether one of the four horsemen have come to visit. In my next blog I am going to cover some alternative strategies, but for now just be aware of the sound of approaching hooves and show them the door.

I’d love to know what you think xx

Let me know

Jacqui