Good Enough Parenting….
In the last parent coaching group call of 2022, our group chatted about something that has been an important concept for me as a parent - Being and feeling good enough.
This was particularly pertinent at Christmas time and the feelings of dread, anxiety and exhaustion among parents were palpable.
'The Good Enough Parent' is an idea first created by British psychoanalyst and paediatrician Donald Winnicott in the 1960’s. It was then popularised by Bruno Bettelheim’s book, A Good Enough Parent (1987). At the time, Winnicott wished to defend ordinary parents against what he saw as the growing threat of intrusion into family life from misguided professional expertise. This was the 60’s where parents were routinely being told to leave their children to cry, feed to schedule, that children could be spoiled by too much attention etc. He argued that left to their own devices, most parents do instinctively what is right and create nurturing, attuned care giving environments that are right for their children. He proposed that this type of good enough parenting was enough for children to thrive and grow to be healthy well-adjusted adults and that parents only needed to be good enough, most of the time.
To summarise – he proposed that we only need to be good enough, NOT perfect.
And we only need to be good enough MOST of the time, not ALL of the time.
Fast forward to the 21st century and I wonder if we can add social media and advertising to ‘professional expertise’ as a source the worry that we are somehow not doing enough for our kids. We have unprecedented access into the lives of other families, but this access is highly skewed. Parents only ever share picture-perfect images of parenting and because of the nature of social media – we see hundreds of these ‘perfect’ images per day, along with adverts telling us what to buy to create this perfect family life.
We look at our own imperfect families, and wonder -
are we the only parents with children who hate school? Who won’t brush their hair? Who fight their siblings? Who can’t sit still long enough for a picture to be taken?
Am I a bad parent because I can’t afford to take my children to Disneyland? Or sign them up for extra maths? Because I hate cooking and we’ve had ready meals for five days on the bounce?
Am I a bad parent because most of the time I’m knackered and just not enjoying this?
Is my child falling behind other children because they ‘failed’ their SATS? Their room is a mess. They have a learning need? They haven’t got any friends and they prefer to play on their consoles?
The key problem with the perception of perfection is that it leads to the message there is such a thing as a perfect child, a perfect parent and a perfect family.
Therefore, if your child is not “PERFECT” it is because you are not doing ENOUGH, or you are not doing it “RIGHT”. Therefore, you need to DO more, do things differently, BUY more or BE more!
This can only lead to disappointment, anxiety and exhaustion.
Here are four very wise actions the parents group proposed, to counter those feelings of not being good enough.
Don't strive for perfection in yourself or others.
Perfectionism can form a barrier to good relationships. If the relationship between you and your child is good enough, then the rest of the stuff is just baubles on the Christmas tree. Nice to look at but, but not actually doing anything.
•Demonstrate compassion and acceptance of yourself and your child.
This can be difficult. A good place to start is noticing your thoughts around parenting. Are you berating yourself when things don’t go well. Is your inner voice speaking to yourself as you would a good friend? Notice that voice and if it is unkind, challenge it.
Learn from mistakes.
There will always be incidents and occasions when you or your child are not being the best version of themselves. These are moments to reconnect and repair the relationship, and not a sign that things are failing. This sends a positive message to your child that even when we mess up, we value the relationship so highly that we will work to put things right.
Maintain some perspective
One bad test result does not mean that your child will never get a job. Telling the odd fib does not mean your child will grow up to be a pathological liar.
Remain in the present moment
Being in the present is much more regulating than planning or worrying about the future. Parental presence is a key factor in strong parent/child relationships. Remaining present takes practice so be kind to yourself if it doesn’t come naturally - just keep trying.
If you would like to read more about ‘Good Enough Parenting’ this blog from Psychology today which goes deeper into this concept. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/201512/the-good-enough-parent-is-the-best-parent?fbclid=IwAR3AeGm91SIVdXUlVnmQzrm-UAXDoFlMFLtRT6mtLVKL6zpIeHAQQOpAzsk
Til next time - keep playing
Lots of love
Jacqui xx
About Jacqui Shankly
Jacqui is a Play and Creative Arts Therapist, attachment specialist, trainer and consultant who has worked with children and families for over 25 years.
She is the founder of Moonbeams Play CIC, an organisation dedicated to promoting the mental health and emotional wellbeing of children and their families in playful ways.
She is a firm believer that parents should be empowered with the latest information about child development, attachment needs and neuroscience so that they can make the best decisions for them and their children.
Contact her at jacqui@moonbeamsplay.com or sign up to our mailing list here: