Hold that feeling…….
Along with working 1:1 with children as a play therapist, I am also a supervisor for play therapy trainees. Trainees learn many new skills, but the one that I notice that many find difficult to grasp is that of CONTAINMENT.
Child therapy (as adult therapy) is about relationships and not outcomes. It is not about finding solutions to problems, but creating a safe environment where the child may let their true self be seen, and where that self will be accepted and validated. The therapist acts as a safe container for all of their clients thoughts, feelings, wishes and emotions.
As the wonderful Psychotherapist Phillippa Perry says “Nobody wants to be fixed – everyone wants to be related to, and children are no different”.
The challenge for many adults (and trainee therapists) is to move from trying to fix things for children, and to just accept them exactly as they are.
Imagine a child is struggling with low self-esteem. They may draw a picture, and be really disappointed with how it looks. Perhaps they become distressed, say that they are rubbish at art and rip it up. It is very difficult to hear a child say negative things about themselves and we may be tempted to respond with one of the following:
Disagreement: “You’re great at art – look I have all your pictures on my wall!”
Encouragement: “Nobody is great to begin with, practice and you’ll get better”
Distraction: “Art isn’t your skill, but everybody has different skills. You are great at sport!”
These responses may feel positive, but each fails to acknowledge the feeling and communicates to the child that they need to think differently. The child hears that they shouldn’t be disappointed or cross, they SHOULD be proud, they SHOULD be more resilient or just FORGET about it altogether and think about something else.
BUT if we want children to truly learn to develop positive self esteem, then first we need to show them that nothing about them needs to be changed, including their negative thoughts and challenging emotions.
In therapy, we seek to act as a CONTAINER for these difficult emotions. When a child expresses disappointment or anger, we hold that feeling safely for them. We acknowledge it. We let them know that we have heard what they said. And then we may reflect it back to them.
“It looks like you are really disappointed with how that turned out, and it’s made you really cross.”
“I hear you telling me that you don’t feel that you are very good at art”.
By responding in this way the child is given a name for their feelings. They learn that while it is an unpleasant feeling, their disappointment isn’t too much for the adult to handle. And if the adult can handle it, then they begin to understand that they can handle it too. And children also learn that where a difficult feeling is shared with someone safe, that feeling becomes manageable and will pass. And that is a very valuable lesson indeed.
So next time you hear a child say or do something difficult, start with acknowledging and accepting the emotion, and see what changes for you both.
Please let me know in the comments if you have found this article useful……